Episode Guide > Series Five Episode Ten
(5.10) Rene - Under An Assumed Nose
First broadcast Saturday November 5th 1988 on BBC One
Episode length: 25 minutes approx
Written by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft
Michelle reveals her love for Rene, Flick searches
for the French general under suspicion of the
attempted assassination of the Generals
and the
long distance duckchanges sex...
The nervous wreck that is Rene Artois runs down
to the bar to take some pills...
Gorden Kaye (Rene Artois)
Carmen Silvera (Edith)
Kenneth Connor (Monsieur Alphonse)
Jack Haig (Leclerc)
John D. Collins (Fairfax)
Nicholas Frankau (Carstairs)
Richard Marner (Colonel Von Strohm)
Guy Siner (Lieutenant Gruber)
Kim Hartman (Private Helga Geerhart)
Gavin Richards (Captain Alberto Bertorelli)
Hilary Minster (General Von Klinkerhoffen)
Sue Hodge (Mimi)
Vicki Michelle (Yvette)
Kirsten Cooke (Michelle of the Resistance)
Rose Hill (Madame Fanny)
Richard Gibson (Herr Flick)
Arthur Bostrom (Officer Crabtree)
Also starring: 
Paul Cooper ('London Calling')
Dick Harris (Stormtrooper)
Richard Bonehill (German Guard)
Cafe Rene, the jail cell in the police station, Colonel
Von Strohm's office, the back room, Madame Fanny's
bedroomand the cafe's cellar - often mentioned (the
original painting of the Fallen Madonnawas hidden there)
but not seen on-screen since episode 1.1.- a long time ago!
- This episode is also known as Michelle's Secret Love.
- Rene and Edith fill us in on a few important developments off-screen - Michelle's Resistance group now
have the film from the camera and are hard at work developing the image. General Aznavour is still paralysed
and unconscious in the cellar (although we do not see him during the episode). Happily the long-distance
duck was not fatally wounded by Bertorelli, just stunned.
- The undertaker Monsieur Alphonse carries a stephescope just incase his customers aren't completely dead.
- Fairfax drove an Austin 7 once. The Austin 7 was a
vintage car produced from 1922 through to 1939 in the
United Kingdom. It was one of the most popular cars of its day, around 290,000 were produced.
- General Von Klinkerhoffen is not in a good mood
(what's new) and complains of the Colonel's
security at the previous episode's conference. He
orders Von Strohm to arrest and shoot Rene (what's
new) and recover the missing paintings - this is the
first Captain Bertorelli has heard about them...
- Michelle arrives at the cafe to tell the staff the bad
news - the photographs are useless! Because they
interrupted the meeting so early, the Generals did
not forumlate their plan, which leaves the Resistance
with a photo of a blank map. Michelle calls them
incompetent and an irritated Rene resigns from the
Resistance with immediate effect. They try to talk him
out of it but he is resolute, so Michelle asks the others
to leave in order to have a private word. The Resistance
girl confesses her love for him, and drags him behind
the curtain. A moment later they emerge from the
room, Rene's clothes untidy.with a lipstick mark on
his cheek, and wisely decides to remain in his
position as hero of the Resistance.
- The long distance duck is moved to Madame Fanny's bed where it lays an egg... yes, it is a long-distance lady
duck! Not long after, Lieutenant Gruber arrives at the cafe with two storm troopers to arrest Rene. Eek! Rene
hides in the wardrobe and Madame Fanny pretends to die to distract the Germans. Just as Edith tells Gruber
her mother's restless spirit is leaving her mortal body, the duck wakes up and moves around under the duvet.
"It seems to be having difficulty getting through the sheet!" One of the storm troopers looks under the duvet
and sees the feathered and Edith explains "it is our custom to put in the bed of an ailing woman a duck". The
storm trooper suggests they look in the cupboard, but Gruber orders them to look elsewhere. When they are
gone, Gruber looks inside and finds Rene, but not wanting to give his friend away, he shouts to his fellow
Nazis that the cupboard is empty. The young Lieutenant informs Rene that he is under suspicion for the
poisoning and that he must stay hidden away until they discover the real culprit.
- BLOOPER! A boom microphone can be seen in the 'long shot' during the bedroom scene.
- Actor Dick Harris plays the Stormtrooper. You'll be interested to know that according to IMDB.com, his only other
acting credit is the role of Dr.Harold Asailian in low budget cult comedy drama Shakespeare In... And Out
(1999). The synopsis reads: "A documentary crew follows an aspiring actor as he yearns to perform Hamlet,
but gets work in the porn industry first." We won't judge...
- Actor Richard Bonehill makes his second and final appearance in the series as "German Guard" (he previously
appeared in episode 5.7). Star Wars fans may be interested to know he had an uncredited role in The Empire
Strikes Back (1980), whilst Doctor Who buffs may not know he had small uncredited roles in Fifth Doctor stories
Time-Flight (1982), Enlightenment (1983) and Resurrection Of The Daleks (1984).
- Herr Flick enters the Colonel's office for the first time
since the whole Von Kinkenrotten debacle (see
episode 4.4). Bertorelli and Flick meet for the first time
and they don't particularly hit it off. Flick calls Von
Strohm a "bungler" and states his belief that the
French general from Vichy (the puppet regime that
collaborated with the Nazis) to be the culprit.
- Yvette has a "special end of season" promotion
for the Colonel involving wet rhubarb. Oh my.
- Monsieur Alphonse delivers an undertaker's outfit for
Rene as a disguise, and offers to shelter the cafe
owner in a coffin until the heat is off. Crabtree has had
the same idea and arrives with a policeman's uniform.
But Rene is already in disguise, wearing the French
general's uniform, complete with fake nose made
of plastic explosive (the wick is hidden in Rene's nostril).
Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga are waiting for Rene
to appear in the cafe - not wanting to kill him (he knows
where the paintings are hidden) they agree that they
will let arrest him, then pretend he has escaped. But
when they see him posing as the French general, they
mistake him for the real deal and Helga rushes off to
report this to Herr Flick!
- Meanwhile in the back room, Rene embraces Yvette
one last time and manages to get his nose squashed.
Gruber and Von Strohm soon realise it is really Rene
under an assumed nose (geddit?) and tel him they will
hide him until the real general is found. As the false
nose is tickling Rene's real one he sneezes, causing
the wick to stick out of his nostril. Rene does not notice
this and when Gruber offers Rene a cigar, he
accidentally lights the very short fuse! When Edith
warns him it is plastic explosive, Rene panics and
throws the nose into the town square - indirectly at Herr
Flick! The Gestapo officer staggers into the cafe with
his face covered in soot and his clothes torn apart, and
promptly falls to the floor unconscious...
Leclerc has provided Colonel Von Strohm with a hand-drawn map of the Communist Resistance's headquarters at the
sawmill (seen in episodes 5.4 and 5.5). The conivving Colonel assigns Bertorelli and his men to attack the Communists
and when the battle is over Gruber is to burst in with his tank and "nick the paintings" with Rene's help.
Back at the jail cell in the police station. Fairfax considers stealing Gruber's little tank, fighting his way down to the
docks in the harbour, stealing a submarine and fleeing to England. The sensible Carstairs wishes him luck with it.
Once, when he enters the cafe with Rene's disguise.
Total - 21
Bertorelli: (whispering to Von Strohm) "If in Italian army
we have a general like-a that, we tell-a the Mafia, we
make-a the contract, he bite-a the dust."
Von Klinkerhoffen: "I heard that."
Bertorelli: "Oh my! What a mistake-a to make-a!" Total - 7
With Rene about to leg it for Spain, he kisses Yvette
one last time.
Rene tries to contact London but there is much interference on their wavelength and no conversation takes place.
(Alphonse takes the ducks temperature - by sticking a thermometer up its rectum)
Rene: "Well that has stopped him snoring."
Edith: "It may have interrupted a nice dream."
Rene: "Yes it probably started one, actually."
Mimi: "There is an old country verse. It is very good luck when someone is dead to have a white duck at the end of ze bed."
Stormtrooper: "It is not white."
Mimi: "There is a war on."
Bertorelli: "Herr Flick, the secret-a police! I hear all about you. How are you gettin' on, eh? What for-a you tell me he a
nasty man? He has a kind-a face, like a little angel! Take-a the seat and make-a yourself at home. What can we do for you?"
Flick: "What I have to say for the ears of the Colonel, not for a Wop in a feather hat!"
(the Germans discuss the French general)
Colonel: "He has a big nose."
Flick: "All French generals have big noses."
Helga: "He is tall and dressed as a French general."
Flick: "With this description we should be able to find him."
Crabtree: "I hear that the Germans are licking for Ronnie. I have brought for him a disgeeze - it is a poloceman's outfart.
Woring it, he can week out of the coffee and down the stroot. Wish him good lick from moo!"
Script by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft
Christian Dyall (Costume)
Ann Rayment (Make-up)
Pauline Seager (Properties Buyer)
Robert Thomas (Visual Effects Designer)
Jim Cook (Technical Co-orindator)
Ken Major (Camera Supervisor)
Chris Wadsworth (Video Tape Editor)
Angela Beveridge (Vision Mixer)
John Gorringe (Assistant Floor Manager)
Penny Thompson (Production Assistant)
Michael McCarthy (Sound Supervisor)
Duncan Brown (Lighting Director)
Nick Jowitt (Production Manager)
David Buckingham (Design)
Directed by Susan Belbin
Produced by David Croft
(c) BBC MCMLXXXVIII
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