Episode Guide > Series Five Episode Eight
(5.8) The Arrival of the Homing Duck
First broadcast Saturday October 22nd 1988 on BBC One
Episode length: 25 minutes approx
Written by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft
Rene tells Edith, Yvette and Mimi that Denise Laroque
is out to get them. Edith is frightened into disguising herself
first as her mother and then as Leclerc. Meanwhile, the
RAF deliver a long-distance duck to the Resistance,
and Captain Bertorelli arrives from Roma with a
platoon of less than ideal Italian soldiers...
The episode begins with an impressive shot of the
two-tier standing set of Nouvion town square, as Rene
(still dressed as his own father)
sits near the fountain
while
the villagers (and hens) go amongst their business.
Gorden Kaye (Rene Artois)
John Louis Mansi (Herr Von Smallhausen)
Arthur Bostrom (Officer Crabtree)
Vicki Michelle (Yvette)
Carmen Silvera (Edith)
Sue Hodge (Mimi Labonq)
Guy Siner (Lieutenant Gruber)
Kim Hartman (Private Helga Geerhart)
Richard Gibson (Herr Flick)
Richard Marner (Colonel Von Strohm)
Hilary Minster (General Von Klinkerhoffen)
Kirsten Cooke (Michelle)
Kenneth Connor (Monsieur Alphonse)
Jack Haig (Leclerc)
John D. Collins (Fairfax)
Nicholas Frankau (Carstairs)
Rose Hill (Madame Fanny)
Gavin Richards (Captain Alberto Bertorelli)
Also starring:
Patrick Edwards (German Guard)
John Readman (Italian Soldier)
Nouvion town square, the cafe, Gestapo headquarters, Von Strohm's office, Rene's larder, a cell in the
police station, Madame Fanny's bedroom and the back room.
- This episode is also known as The Long Distance Duck.
- As ordered by Herr Flick in the previous episode, Herr Von Smallhausen assumes the disguise of a doomsday
prophet to spy on Rene. His sandwich board reads "Repent - the end is very nigh". Officer Crabtree comes
along and tells Von Smallhausen to "piddle his religious massages elsewhere". He reports back to Herr
Flick with a photograph of the Communist Resistance... well, a hand.
- Herr Flick says there are 50 million people in France, most with two hands, making one hundred million
hands. His maths are good.
- Rene tells Edith and the girls that Denise intends to kill them, because they screwed up the wedding (see
episode 5.6). Mimi carries hand grenades to protect herself. Edith meanwhile plans to flee to Spain, and
disguises herself as her mother, Madame Fanny. Yvette is so frightened she feeds the chickens with a bucket
over her head so the Communists will not recognise her. The randy Monsieur Alphonse goes up to Madame
Fanny's bedroom, thinking it is Edith lying in the bed, and declares his love to her. He receives quite a shock
when he finds out that it IS Madame Fanny, who tells him to "get into bed and do not tell my daughter". Eek!
- General Von Klinkerhoffen returns (he was last seen in episode 5.5) to inform Von Strohm that a group of
Generals will be meeting at the chateau to evaluate the invasion and the Colonel's presence is required.
The major decisions to be made will be the date and the plan. This news soon reaches Michelle of the
Resistance, who soon organises a plan to get the vital information back to England.
- There are three other catering firms in competition with Cafe Rene in Nouvion.
- Monsieur Alphonse reveals he has rheumatism.
- Whilst discussing the war, Fairfax tells Carstairs he thinks "it's about time those Americans came in". The
United States of America joined World War II after 7th December 1941, the day Pearl Harbour was attacked
by Japanese forces. Events snowballed in the aftermath when the USA declared war on Japan, leading
to Hitler's Germany and Mussolini's Italy declaring war on the Americans. The conversation between the
airmen suggests the events of this episode take place before December 1941, or shortly after. The
Americans would eventually reach Nouvion, but we've got a long way to go before then...
- Fairfax thinks his parents would have a fit if they knew he was in jail. "How will they know?" says Carstairs,
"It's not going to be in The Tatler." The Tatler is a British society magazine for the upper classes, originally
founded in 1709 by Sir Richard Steele. From the 1940s to the late 1960s, the magazine was titled Tatler
& Bystander and was filled with news and pictures of high society balls, charity events, race meetings,
shooting parties, fashion and gossip. As Helga might say, "What fun!"...
- We learn that Flick has advertised for a servant in the local paper - "Single Gestapo gentleman requires
willing and obedient peasant for menial domestic tasks" -but has only recieved one reply, which was
attached to a brick and launched through the window.
- Herr Flick has Helga delivered to his headquarters by two soldiers. She tells him of the forthcoming
meeting of the Generals, and proceeds to iron his shirt (paying care to the tails, as the Gestapo officer
"hates wrinkly ones"). The ever-suspicious Flick believes the Generals are assembling to discuss Hitler's
demise and plans to infiltrate their meeting in disguise. Helga is given permission to kiss Flick, and
accidentally leaves the iron lying down on his shirt (cue reaction from the studio audience). Luckily there is
no fire, but his tail is burnt.
- Michelle informs Rene that the British RAF are sending a bird to carry the photographs of the invasion
plans back to England. Rene asks her to label it, as Edith cooked the last pigeon they sent for lunch, but
because the Germans are shooting pigeons down, the RAF in their infinite wisdom have sent a long-distance
duck. The photographs will be sealed in waterproof containers should it wish to have a rest on its way across
the English Channel. Disguised as an "old, badly disguised duck seller", Edith delivers the duck in a
basket and hides it in the hen house.
- Captain Alberto Bertorelli returns from Roma with a new medal - we didn't know he'd gone in the first place!
Colonel Von Strohm and Gruber haven't seen him since the air raid in episode 5.3. This is a neat example
of series continuity, as although Bertorelli appeared in episodes 5.4, 5.5 and 5.6, none of his scenes involved
the two German officers. Bertorelli has returned with what he calls a ruthless crack-troop, but in reality are an
surly rabble of disorganised Italian convicts.
- John Readman plays the Italian Soldier who takes a fancy to Helga's legs. According to IMDB.com, this
was his only acting role on television. We'll see him another four times during this series.
Von Klinkerhoffen is "blowing his top" about the missing paintings, despite Colonel Von Strohm's assurance that
they are still somewhere in France. Von Strohm plans to give him forgeries, which Gruber will vouch for and copy
(Klinkerhoffen of course plans to keep the originals and send forgeries to Hitler).
Following on from the previous episode's discussions, the Colonel has devised a plan to recover the paintings by
attacking and raiding the Communist Resistance's headquarters (north-east of Nouvion) with a handful of ruthless
soldiers. Bertorelli suggests his men for the job, but sensibly they run for the hills when they hear about the idea.
Locked up at the police station, suffering Cafe Rene's 
garlic-ridden soup. Fairfax considers barbequing a rat
as an alternative. They ask Crabtree to arrange for a
food parcel from Cafe Rene. Fairfax plans to work in the
stock exchange after the war, so as Carstairs notes,
having a criminal record won't matter too much.
Just the once, when she interrupts Rene and Yvette
in the larder. Total - 38
Again, just the once, when he enters the cafe.
Total - 18
Deja vu for regular viewers as Leclerc pops up from behind
the bar in protest when Edith says his catchphrase, just
as he did when Rene said it during the previous episode.
Both Yvette and Mimi enjoy quick cuddles with the
moustached cafe owner.
Michelle interrupts Rene and Yvette in the larder - Rene is
not pleased, and asks her to make an appointment
rather than barge in on his private moments. They try
again when she leaves, but Monsieur Alphonse walks in!
If you remember, he first walked in on them during
episode 4.4 (The Flying Nun).
With Edith out of the way, Mimi plans to take over the
cabaret. Accompanied by Leclerc on the piano, she
practices a song and dance routine complete with leg
kicks and flashes of suspenders. The song in question
is "He'd Have to Get Under - Get Out and Get Under
(to Fix Up His Automobile)" from 1913 with music by
Maurice Abrahams and lyrics by Grant Clarke and Edgar
Leslie...
He'd have to get under - get out and get under - then
he'd get back at the wheel
Ev'ry time that he would reach for a kiss
It seems the darned old engine, it would miss
And then he'd have to get under - get out and get under -
and fix up his automobile!
Rene, Yvette and Monsieur Alphonse are impressed,
and Sue Hodge recieves a deservedly rapturous round
of applause from the studio audience. Madame Edith
of course is not amused.
Klinkerhoffen is sorry that his dinner with Helga was
interrupted (episode 5.4) and that they must have a private
"tarts and vicars" fancy dress party. Kinky. While Helga
changes back into her uniform, the General and Colonel
sneakily get an eyeful.
Von Smallhausen: "The end of ze world is niiiigh!
Vengeance is miiiine! And a little bit of what you fancy
does you gooood!"
Gruber: "May I say that I am most relieved that you no longer
have to disguise yourself as a bent old man."
Rene: "I was just old."
Mimi: "What key does she sing in?"
Leclerc: "I have never discovered."
(on seeing Edith dressed as her mother)
Rene: "The moth has turned back into a very old caterpillar."
(after being caught with Yvette)
Rene:"How dare you enter my private pantry! It is a
Frenchman's perogative to have a go at the servants!"
Rene: "Your bosoms are like little rocks."
Mimi: "I have hand grenades in my pockets."
Crabtree: "I have seen one of these before. It is a long
distance dick."
(the Italian captain deals with his troops)
Bertorelli: "No smoke-a the fag when you make-a the
attention!"
Italians: (in unison) "We are mean-a, we are tough, we can never get enough!"
Script by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft
Christian Dyall (Costume)
Ann Rayment (Make-up)
Pauline Seager (Properties Buyer)
Robert Thomas (Visual Effects Designer)
Jim Cook (Technical Co-orindator)
Stuart Lindley (Camera Supervisor)
Chris Wadsworth (Video Tape Editor)
Angela Beveridge (Vision Mixer)
John Gorringe (Assistant Floor Manager)
Penny Thompson (Production Assistant)
Michael McCarthy (Sound Supervisor)
Duncan Brown (Lighting Director)
Nick Jowitt (Production Manager)
David Buckingham (Design)
Directed by Susan Belbin
Produced by David Croft
(c) BBC MCMLXXXVIII
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